I’m tired.

Today I’m supposed to write about my writing, but I just ain’t feeling it. I’m just so DONE right now.

Look:

I posted this on my personal Facebook page.

Feeling sore, tired, and feverish today. I think the past several weeks are finally taking a toll. I just want to crawl under my afghan and cry myself back to sleep. Everything just feels so damn difficult – ten steps back for every one step forward. I know this is just one moment in time and it will pass and I’ll feel better, but right this second I can’t imagine getting through this tunnel. It’s like every time I turn on the light the furniture has been rearranged and I have to figure out anew where the exit lies. For now, I’m done searching. I’m simply exhausted. Gonna sit down and relax for a bit. The world can just work around me for a bit instead of vice versa.

I guess it’s no wonder.

I mean, I’ve spent more time in the last month in hospitals, emergency rooms, doctor offices, and other medical-related place, than I ever have in a lifetime filled with physical issues beyond count.

It’s ridiculous.

Not the care I’m receiving – that’s been outstanding, for the most part. But it just keeps going and going and going. I’m ready to be over this bit and on the part where my daughter and I are both healthy.

Oh – my daughter.

I haven’t even mentioned her trials yet.

She suffers UTIs {urinary tract infections} more than any nine-year-old should. Like, a serious enough number of them to make our family doctor scratch his head and decide to send her to a specialist.

A pee-ologist, if you will.

Nah, just kidding. It’s a urologist. But my way sounds better.

So while I have been recovering from my unexpected double-surgeries , complete with weekly follow-ups and a trip to the ER, my baby girl has been to the ER, too, due to UTI-related fevers approaching 105 degrees.

{That’s Fahrenheit. I don’t know the Celsius equivalent. I’m sorry, UK and Australia and all you other Celsius–users. Please forgive an ignorant American.}

And in addition to the ER visits for the kid, she has also been back-n-forth to Children’s Hospital for testing of her bladder and kidneys to see what their beef is, if any.

So, I’m happy to say, she’s okay for today.

But I’m not.

I received a call earlier today from my doctor explaining why I’m having such a hard time healing properly:

The cultures they took at the ER revealed evidence of not just one or two, but FOUR separate infections.

One of them is E.coli.

Yeah, as in poop.

I have poop germs in my incision. How the fuck did those get there? I certainly didn’t poop onto my belly {your welcome for that mental image}. And I don’t touch my ouch-spot with poopy toilet paper or wipes or whatnot.

I think it was the revelation that poop germs are infecting me that sent me over the edge.

Because, you guys, that’s not fair. I’m fastidious. I shouldn’t have poop germs on me. Or around me. Or anywhere near me.

For a crazed moment in time, I felt like spraying an entire can of Lysol onto myself. Then I came to my senses. Lysol is expensive. Too costly to waste on my sliced up belly when I have like five-hundred antibiotics on the job.

Tomorrow I will get some answers.

I have an appointment with my doctor – my gyno – my surgeon – whatevs – and I’ll ask her why I have been visited by so many germs, including the caca ones.

I’m also having some extra skin trimmed off. Which is as disgusting as it sounds. My incision didn’t close up in a pretty or orderly fashion, and the top lip overhangs the bottom so there’s just this flap of useless skin hanging around.

But that’s all tomorrow.

For today, I’m going to stay under my afghan.

Magical healing powers, remember?

For now, I will leave you with this doodle I did a couple weeks ago at my sister’s house while I was busy learning how to pull up my panties by myself.

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Poop Day Giveaway!

Today is Poop Day .

I have to empty my bowels for my surgery tomorrow. It’s no fun.

So I thought I’d try to make me some Silver Lining by giving away a book.

But not just any book – my current favorite!

The World For Realz’ first monthly book giveaway is a real gem, and I hope you love it as much as I do.

The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry

Here is Amazon’s summary of this wonderful tale by Gabrielle Zevin :

“A. J. Fikry, the irascible owner of Island Books, has recently endured some tough years: his wife has died, his bookstore is experiencing the worst sales in its history, and his prized possession – a rare edition of Poe poems – has been stolen.

Over time, he has given up on people, and even the books in his store, instead of offering solace, are yet another reminder of a world that is changing too rapidly.

Until a most unexpected occurrence gives him the chance to make his life over and see things anew.

Gabrielle Zevin’s enchanting novel is a love letter to the world of books–an irresistible affirmation of why we read, and why we love.”

If you are a lover of books, you should definitely enjoy this story.

A.J. offers up quotes, his thoughts on various titles, and bits of advice throughout the pages.

If you have ever worked in the book industry, whether as a book seller, publisher, or agent, you will find yourself nodding and laughing at so many of his observations and complaints.

What I find ironic is that this book did not receive a large amount of acclaim, and almost went unnoticed – while describing therein a book entitled The Late Bloomer which suffers a similar plight.

The genre is literary fiction, containing a bit of romance and mystery, along with some suspense, comedy, and heartache.

I listened to the audio version and as soon as I had completed the book, I forced my hubz to listen to it as well. He loved it almost as much as I did – not a surprise, as we met when we were both working at Borders.

Guess I should mention that I haven’t received any compensation for this review. I wouldn’t even know how to go about such a thing. I just like this book a lot and want to share it with you.

This contest is open to US entries only, and most likely I’ll have Amazon send it directly to you. Or maybe I’ll go to the bookstore and buy two copies – one for you, and one for me! – and mail it to you myself. You just never know.

Good lucky, everyone, and have a happy Poop Day!

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I wish unto you a very merry Poop Day.

My calendar is funny.

I write normal dates in, like my nephew’s birthday, appointments, events – that sort of stuff.

You know, the reason to have a calendar in the first place.

But I also write non-essential notes on my calendar.

In reading over last year’s agenda, I find I wrote things like:

• Buy worlds.


• Visit stupid people.


• Day of the worms.


• Map that shit.


• Call fart-face.


• Fire someone.

There are also multiple doodles, but since they involve poorly drawn stars and shit like that, I am not including them.

#SorryNotSorry

Get your own squiggles.

This month is no different.

My calendar is funny and there are doodles and stupid reminders which mean nothing to strangers but which make perfect sense to me.

You should be jealous of how funny I am in my own mind.

But there is one note on this month’s calendar which LOOKS funny and actually isn’t.

I mean, it’s funny to write about, but it’s not going to be funny when it happens. I am completely losing my shit over this upcoming event.

Literally.

Two weeks from now is Poop Day.

See, I’m scheduled for surgery on Tuesday, August 19 – which happens to be my hubz’ birthday, so I know I won’t die because that would render my death cruel and senseless, whereas I plan to die a motherfucking hero, like by saving a kid from getting run over by oncoming traffic, or something cool like that.

Death by uterus removal on my lover’s bday? Not so much. No effing way. Not happening.

Yeah, my surgery is that hysterectomy you’ve heard so much about. I am very excited, insofar as one can be excited about organs being cut out of one’s body. I guess I should say I am very excited to be rid of my pesky and worthless uterus, albeit not necessarily of the process thereby.

It’s gonna be awesome… eventually.

The day prior to surgery…

…patients are required to void their bowels.

This means, in simple terms, I will be shitting my brains out on Monday, August 18 – Poop Day.

And since I will be shitting my brains out, I need to plan ahead for it. Like, there should be plenty of toilet paper in stock, along with baby wipes for when things get ugly.

And – most importantly – there should be no people in this motherfucking house, you guys.

• My baby girl will be spending some extra time at her dad’s house.


• My son will be going to class, and from there to work, and I told him he needs to have plans to be OUT that night.


• I’m forcing my hubz to work an open-to-close shift so he’ll be gone during most of the trauma.

Just to double-check that no one forgets or overlooks this date, I had to write it on the calendar.

Hence, Poop Day is now a scheduled family event.

I ain’t trying to run to the toilet every five minutes with people around snickering about my activities. And I certainly do not want the aroma de caca which will surely permeate the air to become a subject of discussion, particularly while I’m suffering the throws of dukedom.

Wooty-Pooty!

I get to use Gatorade instead of just straight-up water! Wooty-Pooty!

I was worried I might have to have an enema, which I believe is something you stick up your ass, and I was not looking forward to this in the slightest.

Thankfully, there will be no butt-insertion for this shit-fest. Rather, I had to purchase a powder called Miralax which I am to mix with 64 ounces of Gatorade. I am to drink 8 ounces of this concoction every fifteen minutes, with no dilly-dallying or pussy-ass sipping. It specifically says so. Or something to that effect, anyway.

The drinking begins at 1pm. That’s on the calendar, too.

My calendar is funny, indeed.

Is your calendar as funny as mine?

• Have you ever indulged in some good ol’ Miralax poopage?


• How soon after the first glass do you think the party will begin?


• What flavor of Gatorade would you choose for your Miralax potion?


• Would you be okay hosting Poop Day with your family underfoot?

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Mom let her 12yo get a tattoo and everyone loses their shit.

There is an article getting passed around by enraged moms regarding a twelve-year-old kid who was allowed to get a tattoo. The pissed off crowd has decided that the mother of this child is a bad parent who shouldn’t be allowed to have children; that she is abusive; and that she is a horrible person.

The horrible people the ones who are condemning someone when they don’t even have all the deets.

The bad moms are the ones who have been socially conditioned to think that THIS form of mutilation is bad, while others are okay.

What a bunch of bologna.

Moms, you abuse your kids all the fucking time. And we have decided, collectively, that it’s okay. Let me give you a personal example.

1. I have a daughter.

My daughter Abbie getting her ears pierced. There was much ice cream had that day.

She is nine, just finished the third grade. I wanted to pierce her ears while she was still a baby, but her father wasn’t for this plan.

Instead, we had it done when she begged us to do at the age of six. Changing the earrings was too difficult, so she let them close up, and has decided she wants to get it done again for her upcoming tenth birthday.

2. I have a son.

He is twenty, working his way through college. He is circumcised.

3. We like family dinners on the go.

We take our kids out for family night occasionally at fast food places. You know those Golden Arches serve poison, right? You’ve seen the documentary SUPER SIZE ME, haven’t you? So-called “food” from McD’s has poop in it.

Not to mention processed and/or sugar-packed foods like boxed macaroni, pop, candy, and basically everything you’ve ever served your children throughout their lifetimes that isn’t a carrot or a blueberry.

4. Speaking of feeding your kids…

My sister was unable to breastfeed her babies. That’s a huge no-no in this current age of mommy-shaming anyone who doesn’t do things the “natural” way. I don’t stand by that theory, but I know many who do. They, my friends, are bitches.

My sister loves her kids and is a super model of what a mom ought to be.

Also? Her kids aren’t a-holes. They turned out to be pretty fucking spectacular. All three are ahead of the curve academically, and none of them have ever been in any trouble, and moreover, they like me and they like to read.

So maybe this last one wasn’t the best example of how we have collectively decided it’s okay to abuse our kids in certain ways, since NOT nursing babies is NOT, in fact abusive. It is, however, a great example of how we are in the habit of picking and choosing what’s okay and what’s not.

Because, you know, our society is never arbitrary in its decision-making. {*rolls eyes*}

To recap:

We have decided, as a culture, that it is perfectly acceptable to punch a hole through our children’s skin. That’s pretty goddamn abusive, y’all.

We have decided, as a culture, that it is perfectly acceptable to chop off a piece of our kids’ penis. That’s pretty goddamn abusive, y’all. Of course, there is now a movement that regards this act as a horrendous betrayal of our boys, in that we are disfiguring them without their permission. Those people ain’t all wrong. I don’t regret having the procedure done, as there were medical complications requiring it, and he has zero problem with the fact that I had his foreskin lopped off early on in childhood, but that makes it no less abusive an act.

Also? Completely unrelated here, but no less relevant in my opinion, is the fact that I’ve been with guys on both end of the spectrum, and I happen to much prefer those who have been circumcised. It’s okay if you think I’m bitchy for that, because I’m married and I ain’t fucking you, so really you don’t have to worry over my opinion.

We have decided, as a culture, that it is perfectly acceptable to poison our children {otherwise Gold Arches and the like would have closed down years ago, and there wouldn’t be any boxed macaroni on the shelves}. That’s pretty goddamn abusive, y’all.

We have decided, as a culture, that it is perfectly acceptable to abuse our kids in certain fashions.

I’m not writing this in an attempt to sway anyone into thinking that allowing your child to get a tattoo is okay. Honestly, I’m not. We each have to do what we think is best for our kids, based on our own values, morals, cultures, personal histories, etc.

And I’m not trying to defend this woman’s choices, since I don’t know her – and moreover, neither do you! Maybe the tat-giving mama is a piece of shit. But it ain’t because she allowed her kid to get inked.

I just want you to think about it.

We have been culturally conditioned to think that some forms of child abuse are okay. How is a tattoo worse than an ear-piercing, or circumcision, or feeding your child spaghetti-o’s? The answer, logically, which means with removal of all emotions and preconceived notions, is that it’s NOT.

It’s not different. It’s the same kind of thing.

And it’s okay to argue, “But it FEELS different!”

Yes, it does.

It feels different because as a society we have decided that tats are bad.

And you can keep thinking that.

I’m not here to tell you to stop thinking that.

But “different” is not the same thing as “abusive”.

It’s okay to admit that you don’t understand why tattooing your kids seems worse than ear-piercings, circumcision, or tacos from the drive-through window. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t let my little girl get a tattoo, either.

Not unless there were extenuating circumstances.

Like, for example, with my son.

I let my son get a tat when he was 16.

I even paid for it. He had overcome my divorce from the man who had raised him for five years, and was subsequently dealing with a new man in the house. He also had to endure racial hazing from the football team, since he is half-Hispanic in an all-white, small-town village.

He joined the wrestling team, where he excelled {he went to State his senior year}, and managed to keep his grades up the whole time. He tends to only date girls at the top of their classes academically, and of those, the majority of them have been valedictorians. His friends are super nice guys who still come over regularly. His field of study: physical therapy and sports medicine, because he wants to help people take care of their bodies.

We’re talking about a generous kid who makes smart choices, even in the face of hardship. And he wanted a tattoo. He didn’t have a lot of control over his life at the age of 16. I gave him something he could call his own. And you know what he ended up getting? A stone cross on which are “carved” the names of his siblings.

I know, he’s such a jerk, amirite?

My son Christopher’s 2nd tattoo reads “Faith” until it is turned upside down, at which point it reads “Hope”. He’s badass like that.

He has since gotten himself more tats, and all are equally positive. The first one he got himself was the word “Faith”, which, when turned upside-down, reads as the word “Hope”.

The second and third ones were a self-affirmations:

“With pain comes strength” and “Believe in the impossible”.

Yep, total a-hole over here.

He and I plan to get matching tattoos for his upcoming twenty-first birthday.

We are getting the Batman symbol as a reminder that even in our darkest hour, there will always be someone we can count on to save us – each other .

We used to read comics together when he was little, and this will forever be a sign of our shared interest, even as we grow apart and no longer like the same things. I’m honored he wants to share this with me.

Okay, yeah, it was my idea, but I’m stoked at how excited he was over it.

My son Christopher’s 3rd tattoo is a positive affirmation which reads “With pain comes strength”. He’s a wrestler and a weight lifter, so he really ought to know.

Speaking of tattoos as symbols…

A young friend of mine lost her father not long ago. She got a tattoo to commemorate his life, with a phrase that reminds her of him.

It’s easy to condemn people you don’t know.

It’s easy to assume the worst in others. It’s easy to fall into an “US versus THEM” mentality. On one side are all the good moms, and on the other side are all the bad moms.

But who gets to decide what’s “good”?

A mom let her twelve-year-old child get a tattoo.

Does this constitute child abuse? No. Not unless you start taking into account all the other ways we have decided it is okay to abuse our children.

Is the child hurt? No more so than any of the other number of ways we have decided it is okay to hurt our children.

Is the mom horrendous? We don’t know. Maybe her kid needed to feel control over something, and maybe this was her creative way to try and reach him/her. Maybe it was a cultural thing.

We JUST. DON’T. KNOW.

Does this impact you?

{*shrugs*}

Not really.

So why are we all up in arms over it?

Why negatively judge someone else?

You’re not doing your kids any favors by teaching them to hate on someone over petty, pointless nonsense that, at the end of the day, doesn’t hurt anyone else.

Just keep on being the awesome mom you are, and leave other people alone.

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Summer Reading Lists

Summer Reading Lists are important.

Every year I get some kind of workbook for Abbie to bridge the long months between school’s end and beginning.

You might think I’m mean for forcing my kid to do worksheets and reading projects and quizzes and vocabulary when we’re supposed to be forcing our children into the great outdoors.

That’s fine.

You can think what you want.

But there is a reason my child has achieved an advanced reading level, and it ain’t because she is out cavorting in the sunshine.

We can haz skillz.

This might come off a wee-tad Tiger-mama-ish, so let me back the truck up and explain before you get all defensive and accusation-y on my ass.

1. We are poor.

My kids are only getting into college if they can pay for it themselves, and if they can qualify for grants, and if they can nab a few academic-based scholarships along the way. Kids who possess excellent reading skills are usually more inclined to actually ENJOY reading.

So, for us, summer reading lists aren’t really as torturous as they sound.

2. She needs help.

More than pushing Abbie to succeed, however, I’m giving her some early guidance in sustained study habits.

The kid takes after me when it comes to retention – as in, it’s fairly non-existent. When she doesn’t use a skill regularly, it tends to fall out of memory, and then she has to re-learn the skill all over again. This is especially true with math, so we have some work in that area lined up, too.

This really falls under the “Use it or lose it” mentality.

Conversely, “Practice makes perfect” – or, if not perfect, at least something substantial.

3. I need help.

Finally, summer reading lists provide scheduled, quiet work time during which she sits at her desk studying while I sit at my desk writing. That’s the general idea, at any rate. What I actually accomplish during this two-hour period is the subject of a different post.

Which books make the cut?

Typically I am lazy and lackadaisical when it comes to assigning material, choosing books based on the lists at the back of one of the workbooks. This year, however, I didn’t actually purchase a workbook since there is just so much available for free online.

I decided to put together my own list.

I started with my local library . They provide grade-level suggestions on handy bookmarks, and even if Abbie read nothing else but these short lists, she’d be doing well.

But I like to make things harder than they have to be, so I also consulted a site some out-of-state school posted last year. The school has shared a lot of other good material, but I was particularly interested in their summer reading lists .

From NPR: “The Ultimate Backseat Bookshelf: 100 Must-Reads For Kids 9-14″

Finally, NPR released an awesome list last year entitled 100 Must-Reads for Kids 9-14 which has way too much to cover in one summer! But… my daughter is 9, so not all of the books on this particular list would be age appropriate for her anyway:

• WATERSHIP DOWN by Richard Adams is far too advanced for Abbie. Or for me, if I’m being honest. Any book that comes with its own glossary of made-up words is too hard for summer.


• THE GIVER by Lois Lowery is on par with her reading level, but too advanced emotionally. I know this one for a fact. Love this book hard, but I’m not trying to make Abbie cry this summer.


• CHARLOTTE’S WEB by W.B. White is one she read two years ago. And then again when she realized it was an animated film. And then a third time last year as a school project.


• MRS. FRISBY AND THE RATS OF NIMH by Robert C. O’Brien is another she has already covered. Because she has a fabulous mother who has great taste in middle grade fiction.

The making of a summer reading list:

I combined all these separate lists into one, deleting duplicated, as well as those we’ve already devoured along with those we aren’t interested in this summer. And I came up with MY OWN 100 books. Still way too many to handle, yes.

So I highlighted a few of my personal faves:

• PETER AND THE STAR CATCHERS by Dave Barry


• THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ by L. Frank Baum


• THE SECRET GARDEN by Frances Hodgson Burnett


• MATILDA by Roald Dahl


• HALF MAGIC by Edward Eager


• A WRINKLE IN TIME by Madeline L’Engle


• A Series of Unfortunate Events #1: THE BAD BEGINNING by Lemony Snicket

Then I highlighted a handful I’m interested in reading myself:

• POPPY by Avi


• TUCK EVERLASTING by Natalie Babbitt


• THE HOUSE WITH A CLOCK IN ITS WALLS by John Bellairs


• THE LAST OF THE REALLY GREAT WHANGDOODLES by Julie Ewards


• THE DOLL PEOPLE by Ann M. Martin


• American Chillers #2: OGRES OF OHIO by Jonathon Rand


• MANIAC MAGEE by Jerry Spinelli

And I highlighted any that contained “Fourth Grade” in the title, as I thought Abbie would enjoy grade-specific material:

• TALES OF A FOURTH GRADE NOTHING by Judy Blume


• THE FABLED FOURTH GRADERS OF AESOP ELEMENTARY SCHOOL by Candace Fleming


• FOURTH GRADE FUSS by Johanna Hurwitz

I highlighted several titles of cultural, historical, or scientific interest:

• LOU GEHRIG: THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE by David Adler


• CHASING VERMEER by Blue Balliett


• MISSION CONTROL, THIS IS APOLLO by Andrew Chaikin


• D’AULAIRES’ BOOK OF GREEK MYTHS


• TALES FROM THE ODYSSEY by Mary Pope Osborne


• FAIR WEATHER by Richard Peck


• AMERICAN BORN CHINESE by Gene Luen Yang


• 2030: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF TOMORROW’S KIDS by Amy Zuckerman

And I rounded out the list by highlighting a couple easy-peasy books to give her brain a break:

• The Secrets of Droon #1: THE HIDDEN STAIRS AND THE MAGIC CARPET by Tony Abbott


• BUNNICULA by John Howe


• MARY POPPINS by P.L. Travers

That’s 28 books.

Still too many to cover in one summer, most likely. And yet not even close to what I would love for us to cover. But that’s what TBR lists are all about, amirite?

For the record, Abbie wanted me to come up with my own summer reading list, too. So I did.

By an odd coincidence, there are 28 books on my list, too. And I am positive I won’t get to all of mine, either. Although I have two marked off because I’m about to finish ‘em.

Still, now we can have a little competition.

Shit just got real, y’all.

• Do you put together summer reading lists?


• What would you add / skip on the lists I’ve provided?

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A big middle finger!

A big middle finger to Naysayers!

May is my favorite month.

Not because of Mother’s Day, which I find to be quite the sham.

May is the anniversary of my marriage to my hubz.

Twice, even.

The first time we got married was May 26, 2008.

There was no ceremony. We exchanged “I do” vows at our dining room table with my sister as witness.

We didn’t want to tell anyone else, because it was only supposed to be a legal formality. My hubz didn’t want to wait another year to get my kids on his insurance, so we became legally wed a full year before we intended to.

American politics and the effed-up medical insurance situation — WHOA there, Nelly. That’s not what this post is about. That’s a separate topic entirely.

It was Labor Day weekend.

The following Labor Day weekend we held the actual ceremony. The same pastor came out to officiate, but this time we were surrounded by family out in the boonies.

The Big To Do took place outdoors on a nice campground surrounding a small lake. We scurried into the banquet hall for the reception, and when everyone took off later that night, we spent a week in one of the cabins down the path.

It was awesome.

We were poor, and it was awesome, and we are still poor, and it is still awesome.

So why offer a big middle finger NOW?

Because I still feel I’m owed an apology by the many people who had so many negative things to say about me leaving my ex and shacking up with my best friend.

People who said I probably just had the seven-year-itch.

{Two years early, because MATH is apparently a fickle little ass-monkey.}

People who said God meant for man and wife to stay together and work through their issues.

{Which would actually not apply to me, since I’d already been married prior to that, so I’m already doomed to hell for that particular sin, in which case, WHY START WORRYING NOW?}

People who said, “It’s not like you’re getting black eyes, so what’s the problem?”

{This was an actual quote, people. Isn’t it simply precious? I fear for the future of humanity.}

I feel like a big middle finger doesn’t even come close to saying what I want to say to those who couldn’t get behind my decision. I feel like a big middle finger is the least of what those people deserve.

But my hubz – my wonderful, special, patient, kind, loving spouse – tells me that a big middle finger would suffice, and he encourages me, “Think about it.”

He’s right, of course.

What I should feel is not vindication, but sadness.

Just think of all the people stuck in a shitty marriage, with a partner who isn’t willing to put in the work to make it better.

Just think of all the people resigning themselves to a life without love.

Just think of all the women who honestly feel as though they don’t deserve friendship in their husbands.

Just think of all the men who honestly feel as though they don’t deserve partnership in their wives. Just think. So many, many unhappy people.

And they are stuck with each other.

[*giggle*]

Yeah, that’s some pretty decent vengeance right there.

A big middle finger, indeed.

I still feel I’m owed an apology, but the fact of the matter is, I’ll never get it. You can’t explain to someone,

“Life is for the living,”

…if they don’t understand what LIVING even means.

So, to all the people out there merely surviving – to all the people stuck in crap-tastic relationships – to all the people who think NOT getting black eyes is a good enough reason to stay – to all the people content with joyless cohabitation– I heartily say unto thee,

“Fuck you.”

Fuck you, not for living how you want to live, but for trying to make me live that way, too. Misery loves company, on this we can count. But I don’t want to hang out with you. I don’t want to be miserable.

I deserve a husband who loves me as much as I love him, and who isn’t afraid to show it.

I deserve a partner who wants to share life together, to laugh into the dark and walk undaunted, hand-in-hand, into the future.

I deserve a partner who can hold his own in a disagreement – and who feels safe to disagree – and who makes me feel safe to disagree – because disagreement should not bring fear that the relationship is over.

I deserve a partner who enjoys my company, and whose company I likewise enjoy.

I deserve a partner who doesn’t avoid responsibility, who accepts blame and productive criticism and works to do and be better.

And then there are my kids.

They deserve to live with an example of REAL love, and to witness their mother treated with respect and adoration.

If you are in a relationship, and you aren’t happy, please know that you don’t have to stay. Not even for the kids. You’re not doing them any favors by sticking around, you guys.

And I’m not advocating walking out on your partner every time shit goes south. If both parties are willing to put in the work, that’s one thing. Stay in it for that. But don’t stay for some stupid sense of obligation.

And for all that is holy, don’t – DON’T – listen to those shitty assholes who will say you don’t know what you’re doing.

You’re an adult.

You know exactly what you’re doing:

You’re giving stupidity a big middle finger!

My darling hubz:

Thanks for the ride, my love!

I love you dearly, with all my heart.

I am so glad I didn’t listen to the fuckers who wanted me to stay with my ex.

You prove daily how wrong they were.

I’d say you were my everything, but that is bit overly dramatic, and also it would be a lie, because – SORRY – you actually AREN’T my everything, as I have kids and a cat and also self-respect.

So, while you aren’t my everything, you are definitely at the top of my list of favorite people on the planet.

And trust me:

It’s a short list, Babes.

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Classic Oscars #1 – #Oscars #ClassicOscars

Welcome to my new series: Classic Oscars.

Reason #1 for Classic Oscars:

Because the regular Oscar season just isn’t long enough.

It’s true. Oscar nominations are generally announced toward the beginning of the year, and the ceremony is then held by March. That’s a mere three months at most to try and see well-over twenty freaking films.

And many of them won’t even have even hit theaters in my area; others are lost in that stupid, senseless no-man’s-land between theater and DVD release; some never come to theaters and are as yet STILL awaiting a DVD release date. This phenomenon encompasses many independent or foreign films.

And, bee.tee.dubs, that shit sucks.

It’s very frustrating.

But also exhilarating. There is a certain degree of importance lent to the air, as charts are created, lists updated, items ticked off or moved from one section to another.

I am the Keeper of the Oscars .

But I want to fill this position year-round, not just seasonally. So I have made it into a full-time position.

Reason #2 for Classic Oscars:

Because my hubz misses out on the regular season.

Yeah, he has one of those shitty Real Job things that forces him to skip out on movie nights during the regular winter Oscar Rush. And he loves watching films with me, so it’s really quite heartbreaking.

I told him I’d keep a separate list of Oscar nominated films just for US, so we could mark them off together as we see them. This means I get to re-watch movies I’ve just seen within the last few months – even the ones I really disliked – which, if you know me at all, is very distasteful. I hate re-watching movies! Even my favorites!

My family members could watch movies over-n-over again. Ugh.

*shudders*

I need at least a year between viewings, and usually even THAT ain’t long enough.

One of the most awesome movies I’ve seen in recent years is PAN’S LABYRINTH, which came out in 2006. That means I probably saw it in early 2007. We bought it shortly after its DVD release in May of that year, and watched it again at home. I haven’t seen it since.

One of my favorite movies of ALL TIME – and I haven’t watched it in almost seven years!

Are you getting me now? I don’t do repeats. Done is bloody DONE.

Reason #3 for Classic Oscars:

Because I am curious about the early Oscar days. The first ceremony was held in 1929. That’s like 500 years ago!

Okay, obviously I’m slightly exaggerating. But with regard to movie making, it kind of feels like five centuries. The very first movie to win Best Picture – or, excuse me, “Outstanding Film” – is a silent film.

Wrap your lizard brain around THAT for a minute!

Thus the Classic Oscars series is born.

The first Academy Awards was held in 1929, and honored films released during the two previous years.

Plus?

The winners had already been notified three months before the ceremony! None of that nail-biting suspense as audience members wondered who got to take home a statue .

That’s a lot different from how things are run these days – the ceremony only honors films released the prior year, and winners are never notified before the ceremony.

Another difference?

Back then, the president of the Academy presented the awards. Now, the presenters are various hand-picked popular celebrities. My, how the times do change!

Here’s yet another nifty note:

The first year, awards could be for a single achievement, for several achievements, or for the whole body of work during the year.

That’s kind of cool, actually. I wonder why that is no longer an option?

In 1927, the average cost of a movie ticket was 25 cents.

Yikes, talk about inflation! My hubz and I just attended a movie at regular price, and it cost $11.50 per person. That’s insane! Luckily we had a gift certificate which covered our total. Otherwise we would have visited our local dollar-saver theater, where “It pays to wait”. And it does pay to wait. Seriously. We ain’t gotta keep up with all you crazy Joneses. I don’t mind seeing a film six months to a year after it’s been out. There is plenty to keep me occupied on Netflix.

Classic Oscars #1

Wings – 1927

The first film to win Best Picture {or Outstanding Film, as the category was called back then}, was WINGS – the only silent film to win an Oscar for that category. My hubz and I watched it with our daughter a few weeks ago and it was a trip!

First, the premise:

Two young men, one rich, one middle class, who are in love with the same woman, become fellow fighter pilots in World War I, where their rivalry grows into a wary friendship.

Here’s what it doesn’t say:

It’s a comedy! It’s a tragedy! It’s epic!

Silent films are funny.

They can’t help it. They just are.

The people are talking and no sound is coming forth from their mouths. Instead, there is only music and silly sound effects. Then, after each wordless scene, there is white print on a black background. Usually the text is unnecessary, and sometimes that fact is used to comedic effect.

Silent films can also be tragic.

There was one scene that came pretty close to drawing out my tears. And I think being forced to read the text during or between such scenes really drives home the message.

Just as powerful?

When there is no text at all… only silence. It was pretty amazing how much could be done sans speech.

Silent films are surprisingly awesome.

One thing we didn’t expect was to get so drawn in. But by their mere setup, silent films are quite cerebral. Viewers are forced to extrapolate and use context clues to keep up with not only the main plot, but also several subplots. The text and the music and the sound effects all lend a hand – but even at that, sometimes these additions actually run counter to what is truly happening on the screen.

Our 9-year-old daughter was fairly immersed in the movie for the majority of its length. Part of that is because I read the text aloud for mutual benefit. She could easily have read it herself, but reading it aloud made it go more quickly and erased any doubts as to pronunciation due to unfamiliarity.

And there was a lot of unfamiliarity – even for me! Plenty of terminology that was quite outdated or technical that none of us understood and had to guess at.

Which, of course, only added to the fun!

One final note about the epic nature of silent films:

The use of symbolism is astounding! I think it’s easy to think of ourselves, in 2014, as so much “smarter” or more advanced than people in previous decades. That’s definitely a fallacy of logic, but understandable when we consider that washing hands or drinking water instead of beer were such revolutionary concepts. Still – it’s not like people in older times were DUMB. They weren’t. Watching how much thought went into the making of this film really brought that home for me.

{And it’s another reason I adore classic books – they serve as reminders that people have always been capable of higher reasoning throughout history.}

Here is a chart of the other movies nominated in 1929. The movies highlighted in yellow and crossed out are ones that we cannot get from Netflix and which appear to be unavailable altogether. I’ll be highlighting in GREEN all the films we have seen. I think next up will be TEMPEST as it appears to be the only one available via Netflix instant streaming.

*Oscar Noms – 1929*

• Have you seen WINGS?


• Are you a fan of silent films?


• What do you think of my new Classic Oscars series?

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The key to great writing – #AtoZChallenge

The Key to ALL the things:

We often speak of the key to happiness, or the key to success, or the key to one’s heart, or the key to sanity, or the key to life.

We use the term “key” in this sense as though happiness, success, hearts, sanity, and life are locked away and require something outside ourselves to create availability.

Can you imagine?

A physical object necessary to prize open my own happiness!

Locks and Keys, by non-fiction children’s author and illustrator Gail Gibbons

Ha! Talk about depressing.

About 4,000 years ago, the first mechanical lock, a lock with moving parts inside, was made in Egypt. This first mechanical lock was opened by using a key. Now you could lock your door on the outside, and no one without a key could open it. It was the beginning of locks and keys…

~Gail Gibbons, LOCKS & KEYS

What about a skeleton key?

Instead of carrying a dozen keys, one each for happiness, success, hearts, sanity, and life, what if a single skeleton key existed to open all these things?

What would that item be for you?

Would it be tangible, or symbolic – an actual material object you could place in your pocket? Or an idea, thought-process, or feeling tucked away in the back of your mind?

For me – which means, this is what works for me, but may do absolutely nothing for you! – I have a list of Personal Commandments, the first of which states, “Happy is a Choice”. There are several other items on the list, but this is the one I always keep with me, as a mental totem, because it is the key to my awareness in all things. It reminds me to Do The Work. It whispers to Keep Going, and urges, Don’t Stop Starting. It reprimands, Identify Flaws And Act Accordingly.

“Happy is a Choice” encompasses all these things. It is the one thing I can always fall back on. Because no matter what happens in my life, no matter how shitty things may seem, it is still up to ME to figure out how to get back on my feet.

Sure, Life may knock me down.

And sure, Life may grant me boons.

But how I choose to respond to the roller coaster ride is completely my decision. It’s my responsibility to notice the high points and be grateful for them; it’s my responsibility to climb out of any holes along the way.

It’s not up to anyone else. There’s a reason the phrase “Happiness comes from within” and it has nothing to do with other people. It’s all about YOU.

From the animated film THE SECRET OF NIMH.

My skeleton key is “Happy is a Choice”.

You can open any door if you only have the key.

~THE SECRET OF NIMH

The key to writing:

This little jaunt into positive affirmation and a glass-half-full perspective might seem completely unrelated to writing.

Believe me, it’s not.

A lot of pros will tell you the key to writing a great novel is character, or plot, or dialogue, or setting, but in truth it’s all of these things.

And it’s also, likewise, NONE of these things.

The key to writing a great novel has nothing to do with the keys other people give you. The key to writing a great novel is finding your own skeleton key, placing it in the door, turning the lock, and entering the world you’re trying to create.

All of which is a fancy-pants way of saying this:

The key to writing is writing.

But not just ANY writing: Writing that sets you afire and causes your characters to glow.

Recently I mentioned two doorways – the one that ends the first act, and the one that leads into the final act – and I know I’ll get into that some more a bit later. But it’s worth mentioning that knowing your characters’ strengths and weaknesses is definitely a key to great writing.

Characters are generally shoved through this first doorway. This is the bit where they are pushed off the cliff so you can see what makes them tick.

• THE WIZARD OF OZ – The tornado blows Dorothy into Oz. No turning back now – she’s not in Kansas anymore.


• STAR WARS – The farm where Luke grew up is blown to fkn smithereens, along with his aunt and uncle who raised him. He has no choice but to leave, so he might as well join in the fight against those who murdered his family.


• FROZEN – Elsa accidentally turns her kingdom into Iceland and runs off in a panic, leaving Anna to figure shit out on her own. Anna is no ruler, and she loves her sister to smithereens, so she must follow her sister into the snow-riddled world if there is any hope of restoring order to her fragile life.


• GRAVITY – After debris knocks Explorer all to hell, Ryan Stone and Matt Kowalski are blown away into space, unattached to anything that can return them to safety. Matt’s rocket boosters {or whatever they are called} allow him to carry Ryan back to the now-defunct Explorer, and Ryan has no choice but to hang on to the end of the rope if she has any hope of surviving.


• THE HUNGER GAMES {film} – Katniss and Peeta, as District 12’s tributes, are forced to leave their home via train and enter the opulent world of the Capitol.

I’m having a difficult time applying this to my own work-in-progress, THE GREENE. I already know my own personal weak points, and I have a lot of practice in pulling myself up by my bootstraps, adopting a chin-up attitude, and remembering “You gotta get up, and Try-Try-Try“.

That’s awesome when it comes to my own mental well-being.

But now I have to consider the mental well-being of the people in my imaginary world.

What are THEIR skeleton keys?

What makes them “GO”?

What moves them to tears and pushes them to continue on through adversity?

What resources do they have to draw upon which will spur them into the fire and over the cliff?

Do they have mantras? Totems? Endless supplies of cheer? Coca-Cola?

This is where I am at right now.

I need to know my characters a bit better. I have arrived at the first doorway. It’s time to throw my characters over a cliff so I can learn how they will climb back up.

• What doorways are you working on – both personally and in your writing?


• Do you have the key to great writing?


• Do your characters have the key to making it through the second act?

Visit My April AtoZ 2014 Posse to see who I’m making time for this month.

Or stop by my post The Great and Powerful AtoZ Challenge Theme Reveal to see a list of all my AtoZ entries for 2014.

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Hey so hi! – #AtoZChallenge

What do I mean by, “Hey so hi!”?

Simple.

This is my funny way of admitting that I am seriously behind on this blogging challenge. Acknowledging that I fell off the wagon. Paying tribute to my lack of presence. Letting you know I know you know I suck.

And I thought maybe a few words about that might be in order.

Hey so hi!

Greetings from the backside! How are things over there in Future Land? I hear that staying the course is a healthy alternative to straying into the weeds and playing in the rough. I won’t even pretend that I’m enjoying it back here where the wild things are. It’s a mess.

However, there are some neat-o postcard thoughts I’d like to share.

I did it!

For instance, while you were trucking along with the challenge, I quit smoking. Yep! Been just over a week now since I’ve had a cigarette. So, you know, I’m not going to get all sad I’m hanging in the rear when I’ve got THAT going for me!

I also spent the weekend with my sister and did some creative outlet kinds of things, also known in my world as scrapbooking. Or, what I honestly like to call “crap” booking since my layouts generally resemble shit, when compared to the gorgeous output of my fellow scrappers.

I always enjoy spending time with my sis and catching up on things, because she is the only one who “gets” me. She validates my childhood memories, which my mom tries to IN-validate on a regular basis. Mom tends to rewrite history in very strange ways, so it’s very important that my sister and I compare notes.

I used a kit to put together my scrapbook stuff, because I’m not overly imaginative most of the time. However, I don’t always follow the directions. And by “don’t always” of course I mean “almost never” because the instructions call for ugly things that I hate. So I will put the squares exactly where they are supposed to go, and measure most of the boxes accurately, but then add decorations and whatnot as I see fit. I seldom like their wording, which I know you find shocking, so I tend to make up my own phrases. When they want me to use a stamp that says something like “Wise beyond your years” I like to use something more funny like “Bowties are cool” because my family relates more to Doctor Who than to phrases about being smart.

SMART! *snort* AS IF!

I would like to say something smart here, like that it’s okay to take a break and disappear from life. But that wouldn’t be very responsible of me. And also, it might get you in trouble if you, unlike me, have deadlines. So, yeah. Don’t take a break unless you have a good reason and be sure to let people know where you are.

Disappearing isn’t good. And missing deadlines can get you fired if you have one of those job things. I’m a bad, bad example of good blogging and writing habits. I’m like a walking list of what NOT to do.

National Sibling Day can suck it!

April 10. And for realz. No fucks were given.

We also briefly did a collective WTF with regard to this new and crazy thing you guys tried to slip past us called National Sibling Day . We are in agreement that you only just now made that shit up. Don’t even bother commenting that it’s been around for years, because I know you’re full of crap. Nope – zzzt – just hush. It’s not gonna work. You’re a liar and can’t be trusted.

Hey so hi, Blog!

Sorry I have neglected you. Mommy is home. Don’t jump on me. I’m allergic to your fur and bullshit.

Hey so hi, AtoZ!

I will be adding posts here like a mad woman throughout April. I want to finish on time with everyone else.

Hey so hi, Interwebz!

I can’t honestly say I’ve missed you, Twitter and Facebook. But I will make an effort to stop back in, now that I’m here. Just don’t be a bitch about it, okay?

Hey so hi, Book!

You and I have seen some rough times, haven’t we? Heh! But after that three-hour conversation with my son, wherein I explained all the plot points and the map as he enthusiastically continued asking questions, I am ready to leap back in. I will see you tonight. {*ooo-la-la! A secret rendezvous*}

Hey so hi, Readers!

I am still making an effort to stop by all your blogs. I’m slowly but surely going to say hello to each of you individually. Don’t give up on me. Hang in there.

And… how have YOU all been?

Visit My April AtoZ 2014 Posse to see who I’m making time for this month.

Or stop by my post The Great and Powerful AtoZ Challenge Theme Reveal to see a list of all my AtoZ entries for 2014.

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Going Places – #AtoZChallenge

My characters are going places.

They are going all over the damn map.

Which is funny, since I don’t really have a damn map drawn up for them yet. And keeping them straight direction-wise has been a real bitch.

There are multiple ways to keep track of your characters’ wanderings:

1. A digital spreadsheet

This is a great plan, and I can see how it would come in handy, typing in all those directions and instructions and whatnot.

But I’m a very visual person – meaning I’m not very good at picturing things in my head. It’s one of the reasons I dread playing chess – I can’t see far enough ahead to build any real strategy.

So while a spreadsheet is a great way for me to record my characters’ progress, and an easy way to refer back when I’m confused or need to double-check my notes, I don’t think it would be the most effective way to help me as I’m actually in the process of writing and trying to remember, “Is this bitch moving east or west?”

Which is a question I have actually asked myself.

2. Index cards

This is maybe closer to what I’m looking for.

However, I already have an index card system in place for my outline, each card representing a separate beat, and all of them heavy with notes to keep my plot straight. Not sure I want to risk mixing things up.

I happen to be the world’s biggest klutz and have actually dropped my plot cards multiple times. I didn’t think to number them till the third time I got them all tangled up.

I’m a bit slow to learn.

So more cards = BAD PLAN.

3. Color-coded sticky-notes

This system could work. It’s what I’m using for now.

The color-coding part of the equation is of vast importance to me, because the world in which my characters live is loosely based on the color wheel, as such:

Emandine starts out up north, deep within the Red Desert, where magic has just about dried up and the folks depend upon whatever old pieces of technology have managed to hold out since the last Great War. When her mute niece, Dotanna, runs away with her friend, a talking ape named Anson, Emandine has to follow her east, into the plains of Orangeville and on toward the yellow Sunflower Fields, where a witch named Panetone resides. From there Emandine moves toward the center of the world, to The City, where she stops at Miss Molly’s.

Down south, in the heart of the Greene, where magic still thrives, Medaskal is struggling to stay hidden. After he is visited by an old friend and lover, who imparts some critical information on the Wizard’s whereabouts, Medaskal takes off westward toward the Blue watery lands, and then into the Purple Mists, with his assistant, Kephas, and a Tarot Cat named Diffel as his guide. An exchange with the witch Delarosa sends them to Miss Molly’s, where Medaskal joins forces with Emandine.

The Greene: a very basic map of sorts. And by “basic” of course I mean “shitty”.

There is a lot of movement happening here and just about everyone is going places. I can’t keep it straight in my mind, so being able to see where everyone is versus where they are headed is crucial.

4. Cartography creation programs.

I haven’t found one I like – by which I mean to say I don’t understand how they work and new things are scary so I haven’t really given them a chance and my sticky notes are working just fine thank you very much.

*deep breath*

I will probably need to check out these nifty map-making apps, as my novel nears completion and my characters continue going places. So if any of you are experienced in this type of thing, I’m not too proud to beg:

HALP.

I’m curious:

How do you keep up with your people? Or do they not travel much? That is something I may need to consider in my next project – making everyone stand still and do all the journeying in their minds.

Because maps are fkn hard and I’m not exactly an experienced orienteering geek.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was wearing night-vision goggles and I almost fell off a cliff? And how I only narrowly avoided such death thanks to a severe bout of claustrophobia that saw me tear the goggles from my face – at which point I noticed I happened to be standing at the edge of a precipice?

THAT REALLY HAPPENED, YOU GUYS.

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The End is Nigh – #AtoZChallenge #ROW80

What do you mean, “The end is nigh”?

It seems ironic to speak now of the end of things. We are only just starting the first FULL week of both the AtoZ Challenge and Camp NaNoWriMo .

And yesterday was the beginning of Round 2 for participants of A Round of Words in 80 Days {#ROW80}.

To say “The End is Nigh” seems like rushing things a bit, given our proximity to the start line. But it’s something we all need to think about, both writers and non-writers alike.

Especially when we’re so far behind.

Who ME? Behind?

With AtoZ I am a couple days off schedule. By which I mean to say, I’m a WEEK off schedule, because I had meant to catch up over this last weekend. But really, then, I’m TWO weeks behind, because I’d meant to start off a week ahead.

With Camp NaNoWriMo — um, yeah. I haven’t even added a single damn word to my work-in-progress. Which sucks, obvs. Because I have mad enthusiasm for the project, and serious plans, and lots of ideas.

Just, you know, I haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Oh, and I missed Insecure Writers Support Group {#IWSG} last Wednesday, too. You know, while we’re on the subject of shitty fails.

At least I’m not completely behind {yet} with #ROW80. Yesterday we were urged to state our quarterly goals. Which is a great place to jump into talking about my novel.

Here’s the thing.

“REPENT: THE END IS EXTREMELY FUCKING NIGH” — image still from the excellent zombie film 28 DAYS LATER.

You really need to begin with the end in mind.

That’s what I mean when I say unto thee, “The end is nigh.”

Sure, the phrase actually means to imply that we are coming up on the conclusion, those magical words, “The End”.

I get that.

I’m taking a bit of artistic license here.

GO WITH ME.

LOCK it up.

James Scott Bell , in his writing guide PLOT & STRUCTURE, says you really only need four specific items when putting together a plot.

I’ve developed a simple set of foundational principles called the LOCK system.

LOCK stands for Lead , Objective , Confrontation , and Knockout .

An interesting and compelling main character , with an intense desire either to get something or to get away from something , must overcome opposition in such a way that the story’s questions arrive at a satisfying resolution and leave a lasting impression .

Bell also points out,

A weak ending can ruin an otherwise wonderful book.

A strong ending can redeem an otherwise mediocre book.

In order to reach that knockout finale, try this:

1. Draft multiple alternate endings.

2. Write the back cover summary of the book, and then answer the questions:

…Can the main character escape and/or win?

…Will the main character overcome the opposite and triumph?

…How is the main character going to resolve all the issues?

…What happens to everyone else?

3. Consider what sort of feeling you want the reader to take away from the story.

Whether you are a plotter, a pantser, or a tweener, you should have some idea of where you are headed.

You’re the only one who can tell us.

What about those goals?

1. First and foremost, I need to get a fix on how I want my book to end. Especially since it’s the first in a series. Currently I only have the most vague of impressions, some scenes I know will take place, some deaths and sacrifices, and an important discovery. The rest is all a bit murky. That’s not a good thing. Remember: The end is nigh.


2. During the month of April, I plan to complete my rewrite of Act 1, regardless of word count, although I do have myself signed up to hit 36k words for Camp NaNoWriMo. Whatever happens, happens.


3. For the duration of Round 2 of #ROW80, which runs through the month of June, I plan to complete Act 2, up to and including the midpoint.


4. Throughout the months of July, August, and September, I plan to complete the rest of Act 2, or what I like to refer to as Act 3, since I work from a 4-Act structure … but I digress . *wink*


5. I would like to hit “The End” before 2014 wraps up, but we’ll see how that goes.

Visit My April AtoZ 2014 Posse to see who I’m making time for this month.

Or stop by my post The Great and Powerful AtoZ Challenge Theme Reveal to see a list of all my AtoZ entries for 2014.

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Camp NaNoWriMo

Next week I will start two challenges.

I have already written about the AtoZ Challenge , which begins on Tuesday, 1 April, 2014. So that’s one, OBVS.

The other challenge is Camp NaNoWriMo , which also begins on 1 April.

I kind of got roped into it by my writing partner, Rachel .

She didn’t have to twist my arm very hard, to be fair.

What is Camp NaNoWriMo?

NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month.

Camp NaNoWriMo is the “off season” of the NaNoWriMo program that runs every November, during which writers are urged to write a 50k-word novel within a month. The summer version is much more lax – writers may set their own word count goals, and may work on any project they wish, regardless of genre.

Additionally, while the November event strictly states that projects must not be a piece begun prior to the 1 November start-date, the summer event indicates that anything goes.

Honestly, I cheated during November, signing up on the forum as a NaNo Rebel , because I did not begin a fresh project. Rather, I carried on with a piece I had begun during NaNoWriMo the year prior.

Whatever. No one gave me shit for it, but even if they had, I wouldn’t care. The point of the challenge is not in any way related to how I am doing in comparison to other writers.

The point is to push myself to write, and that is what I did.

What am I working on?

Regardless of the fact that I succeeded in furthering my novel, I failed to reach my word count goal last November – I fell shy at about 36k words, I think. Since then I have added more, but still have not hit the 50k mark. I’m close, though – so close! Since I am “allowed” to bring anything to the table, my current work-in-progress is what shall receive my best efforts.

My novel called The Greene, although originally it was entitled Greene Market and the story I first had in mind fit that title better. However, it has moved an entirely different direction than I anticipated, and actually its current title doesn’t exactly fit, either. Since I have already struggled in properly naming my characters , naming the story is a battle for a different month.

Perhaps by the next camp session in June?

What genre is my novel?

The Greene is fantasy, complete with a badass dragon and a feisty mermaid and a freaky crop of wild, man-eating unicorns. There are witches, a wizard, ogres, and talking animals {a cat and an ape, specifically}. There are hybrid creatures called wingeds which are birdlike pixies.

It is a hero’s journey and a battle between good and evil, nature and science, magic and technology.

I have almost reached the midpoint and I am very excited about the direction it’s heading, even if it wasn’t what I had in mind when I first sat down to write it.

It is told in third person from duel points of view.

The first main character is Emandine, a lovely older woman who is caring for her mysteriously mute niece, Dotanna, out in the Red Deserts. A series of events pushes them to hit the road in search of The Wizard for answers.

The second main character is Medaskal, a somewhat retired mercenary-cum-marketer running a stall in the underground Greene Market. He has a couple unexpected visitors, and soon thereafter he, too, goes in search of The Wizard – not for answers, but for murder.

Hay problema?

SAVE THE CAT! by Blake Snyder — Although the subtitle reads “The Last Book on Screenwriting You’ll Ever Need”, don’t be fooled — this is a great writing guide for novelists and screenwriters alike. TRUST.

Yes, there is a problem.

Just then when I said I reached the midpoint? Yeah, about that… I knew something was missing so I went back over my notes from my favorite writing guide, Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat! And I realized I was missing an extremely important inciting incident – a “no turning back” – a crossing of the threshold – a point of no return.

Whatever you want to call it.

Doesn’t matter what you call it, because it wasn’t there.

So now I have to rewrite my entire first act. Chapters 1 and 2 are probably okay, but the rest of Act 1 {Chapters 3 through 5} definitely needs an overhaul.

Which means Chapters 6 through 10 will have to be rewritten as well.

But one crisis at a time, you guys.

I will be delving further into this whole mess throughout the month of April.

What is my Camp NaNoWriMo goal?

I am hoping to add 36k words during the month of April, which comes to 1200 words per day. Before this past November, that self-assigned goal would seem lofty {even as compared to NaNoWriMo’s goal of 1667 words per day}.

However, I now know I can hit this number easily, once I get my butt planted in the chair.

The hard part for me isn’t the writing so much as the GETTING TO the writing.

Taking into account that I will be doing a massive amount of rewriting, I am not going to beat myself up if I don’t meet my goal. I hope to end the month of April with at least 80k words. I feel like this is entirely doable. But I will also accept all further motion and progress as a definite WIN.

But why TWO challenges?

While this is a fair question, it isn’t strictly accurate that I am participating in two separate challenges.

Yes, the AtoZ Challenge is happening concurrent with Camp NaNoWriMo.

But they are not mutually exclusive. I see the blogging challenge {AtoZ} as a way to enhance and report on my writing challenge {Camp NaNo}. I will be working on my novel, and then blogging about it, in an alphabetically-themed process. When possible I might even include excerpts or examples from my own work on my blog. I chose my theme for the AtoZ Challenge to go hand-in-hand with my novel.

And really, if you want to get down to it, since I like to set goals periodically and report on them weekly via A Round of Words in 80 Days {#ROW80}, you could go so far as to say I’m participating in THREE challenges throughout April {Round 2 runs April 7 through June 25}.

Furthermore, I still plan to write a paragraph-or-two detailing my writing issues for the Insecure Writers Support Group {#IWSG} on the first Wednesday of the month, which brings me up to FOUR challenges.

The number is irrelevant.

I can participate in, and report to, as many challenges as I like, and so long as they overlap, it doesn’t matter. The only challenge I’m really, truly engaged in is the challenge within myself:

Just show up.

Sit down.

Plant your ass.

Do the work.

Write the words.

Don’t stop starting.

These phrases, along with all the challenges, are just various ways of reminding myself that I am a writer, and that writers write. There is a big difference between knowing it and KNOWING it. Sometimes I need a little bit of help. That’s what all this fuss is about.

Me, helping myself.

• Are you participating in any blogging or writing challenges?


• Do you ever engage in multiple challenges simultaneously?


• Which challenge makes you feel most productive and self-satisfied?

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